Non Believer
by SyrenHug
Summary: You like to run. Because maybe if you go fast enough nothing will catch up with you. No one will have to tell you to stop. Niou/Yukimura/Ryoma. Character death.


I poured my heart in this. And it hurt. But it also made me realize how short it all kinda is.

I hope you appreciate me.

Pairings: Niou/Ryoma/Yukimura. Niou/Marui. Atobe/Tezuka/Fuji. Oishi/Eiji.

Warnings: Death. Language. Sex.

Note: Chronic lymphoid leukemia. That's what Ryoma has. It's not often seen in younger people, but it happens. And it's usually slow to be detected so he went about six years not knowing he had it. I think he's 23 here.

I would suggest listening to Non-Believer by La Rocca. It'll help you through this.

I love you all. Enjoy.

* * *

"I'm going to die."

You blink, dropping into the couch. "What?"

Ryoma sighs, shifting on his feet. He looks uncharacteristically small, but there's something defiant in his eyes. "You heard me. I'm going to die. Do I need to say it again? Maybe a little slower with pictures?"

"Fuck you." It's automatic. There has never been a time when you both didn't act like you hated each other. "Are you joking? Because this a really sick joke."

"No. It's not."

He stands there for a minute. Just stares at you, and then he turns around and goes to make dinner.

* * *

Ryoma pretends. He makes the same snarky comments. Plays tennis every Friday with any old teammate who's available. They shoot arrows at each other in the guise of words. _What are you doing? What do you have, _you want to ask him_. _But he changes the direction of your conversations when it gets to quiet and doesn't let you care.

* * *

Marui and you haven't talked for months but he decides to call you in the middle of smoking pot in the living room. The timing has you in near hysterics.

"I've missed you." He exhales and you want to believe him, you really do. But he said that last time and the time before that and your not the only one tired of bullshit. So you cough in and hang up.

"I miss you too."

Maybe one day they'd both mean it.

* * *

The house is messy and he decides to invite everyone over for a party.

Everyone is there except Marui. You try not to read into it. Tezuka is arguing with Atobe over tennis and Fuji is watching them with a fascinated smile. Eiji and Oishi are practically making out in the corner. Everyone else has decided to throw themselves in a massive game of cards.

They all look happy. Young.

"Niou." Yukimura smiles at you. Out of all the people you'll ever meet in your life, your former captain will always have the kindest smile. It's like he's seen all the awful shit you've done and already forgiven you for it.

"You seen Ryoma?"

He nods. "I think he went to his room."

You incline your head (because you've never known how to treat kinda, sorta divine gods like him) and go to the back.

"It's not your birthday so you can't cry even if you want to."

Ryoma leans against the dresser. He's staring at something, but you can't tell what. "I don't think I can do this."

You tell him, because you believe it, "I think you can do anything."

It gets him moving. You can tell him jumping back into a room filled with so many happy people doesn't sit well, but he manages to act like he always does. Yukimura keeps a grip on his arm and doesn't let go. You have a good day.

* * *

There are some days were he looks so exhausted that you push him back into bed. You try to keep him company, but it's like there's something about him that doesn't know what to say anymore.

You climb on the bed and tackle him, pressing fingers in his side. He laughs a little, but his body is cold and thin. You wonder if he wants you to pretend like you don't notice that he's stopped eating more then one or two meals a day.

"Tell me." You whisper and he turns his head away. "Tell me what's wrong."

He doesn't open his mouth, but he writes it down and all you can see for the rest of the day is_ I have leukemia_.

* * *

You like to run. Because maybe if you go fast enough nothing will catch up with you. No one will have to tell you to stop.

That's the thing, though, there's always something that's going to slow you down. You're not invincible. Eventually, your heart gets stuck in your throat and your feet ache and it's over. Done.

The road doesn't end. But you do.

* * *

"Does it hurt?" You ask him, sitting against the wall. It's the first time he's tried to smoke with you and he keeps making these faces. You want to reach over and-

He rests his head against your shoulder, hair trickling against your neck. "Sometimes. Mostly, I'm just really tired."

"Why don't you get treatment?"

"Why don't you fuck off?" But it's not barbed. It's a picket fence with white carvings. You can feel the smile against your neck. "Niou?"

"Hmm."

"That better be your phone."

And you both laugh for what feels like hours.

* * *

You guys go dancing. Ride a rollercoaster. He tries to make an original recipe and almost starts a fire in the complex. He has a list on his fridge of phrases from different languages that he's surprisingly good at picking up. He listens to awful music and calls it experience.

Yukimura starts showing up at the apartment more and you have to remind yourself that Ryoma isn't yours. Your relationship has always been complicated, but you've never been serious like that. But, on the other hand, if Ryoma was going to be with anybody you're glad it's him.

* * *

"I want your permission."

You cough, surprised. "I'm not his keeper."

Yukimura brushes his hair back over one ear. His hands are delicate and pale. Beautiful. "I know. But you are someone very important to him."

Warmth grows in your garden of a chest. You bite your lips hard enough to bleed. "Don't hurt him."

"I won't."

"Let him lie to you. Let him pretend. But don't bullshit him. He doesn't deserve it."

"But you do?" Yukimura tilts his head, eyes bright and curious.

"No," You shift in the door way. "But I can take it."

Before he leaves he kisses you. It takes you off guard, but it's nice. Like a reassurance. He pulls away. Doesn't look back. You can't remember what you didn't see in him.

* * *

Four months go by. Ryoma fights infections like a warrior and snacks on gross looking vegetables. It's almost easy to forget that he's sick.

* * *

He kisses you on a Wednesday after you wrap him up because the heat is off and you don't want him to get cold.

"What about Yukimura?" You murmur into his lips. He snorts.

"He doesn't care."

His hands are on your neck, then, tugging at your hair and he's breathing so hard and you want to taste him forever, but forever is a year and you have to take the time you have left. You probably make a lot of noise because he kisses you more and more as you fuck him. There's nothing perfect about it. Somehow, it's just enough.

Ryoma's skin heats up beneath your fingers and he gasps, right before he let's it all go, "Lie to me. Just this once."

_I love you_, you say as you come and you wish you could tell him it isn't a lie.

* * *

He won't look you in the eye anymore.

You can't sleep.

* * *

Marui leaves a voicemail this time.

"Hey. Thanks for being such a douchebag last time and hanging up. But I am really sorry. About with happened to us. Just- Give me a call, alright?"

You go to see him. He has this amazing ability to make you laugh even when it all feels hopeless. His kisses still taste like watermelon and his voice is high and cheery.

"I don't love you anymore." You admit.

He doesn't look surprised. Just licks your lips before you leave. "I never asked you to."

* * *

Ryoma catches you watching him while he sleeps. "What are you doing?"

"I don't understand why you're letting yourself die. I don't get it. You have all these people who fucking love you to death, Ryoma, and you're just giving it up. That's not you."

For awhile you don't think he's going to answer. But he pats the bed and you get under the covers with him. He smells like sickness and incense. He likes lighting them every Sunday. You put your head on his lap.

"I hate analogies. They're cheesy as hell. But, this is what I've learned. Life is like tennis-"

You snort.

"Shut up. It is. Some people are really good at it. Some not so good. But, you can't play every match. Sometimes you have to sit it out. Give it up. Even if that's what everyone else wants. Even if there's a chance you'll win. Sometimes you have to be selfish."

"You've played with a bleeding eye."

He strokes your hair. "Yeah."

"You're good at tennis."

"Yeah." He whispers into your ear. "But I'm also tired. Everyday I get up I realize that I don't want to."

It has to be the way he pulls it out. The way his sadness sounds. But you start crying. It doesn't seem complicated anymore and that scares you. He holds you with strong, shaky fingers until morning.

* * *

It still surprises you sometimes that nobody has figured it out. You don't want to call it selfish or self-absorbed. Because people have lives and they are all still at the age of thinking they are at the center.

But, at the very least, he deserves the recognition.

* * *

Yukimura takes you and Ryoma out to dinner and let's you know that he wants to be with both of you. You don't speak for an hour.

Then, Ryoma rolls his eyes, tugging all three pairs of hands together on the table. "Don't be stupid."

"Did you know about this?"

He smirks. "Mada mada dane."

* * *

They all go to a church service one Sunday. Niou plays Non Believer by La Rocca on the ride home. Yukimura fumbles over the English words but hums along. Ryoma laughs at them, but starts crying at the end of the song.

* * *

Ryoma's liver starts swelling. Now no one can sleep.

* * *

"Lie to me." He asks, smiling. Yukimura kisses him on the cheek with a wet noise. It makes you laugh. You're so happy.

"I hate you."

He flushes; pleased and adorable with his morning hazel eyes. "Good. Because I hate you too."

* * *

He dies on a Friday while you and Yukimura were out getting food.

The blanket is wrung around him tightly and his eyes are closed. He looks peaceful. You don't believe he's dead until they take him away and Yukimura starts crying.

* * *

_"Death is nothing at all_  
_I have only slipped away into the next room_  
_I am I and you are you_  
_Whatever we were to each other_  
_That we are still_  
_Call me by my own familiar name_  
_Speak to me in the easy way you always used_  
_Put no difference into your tone_  
_Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow_  
_Laugh as we always laughed_  
_At the little jokes we always enjoyed together_  
_Play, smile, think of me, pray for me_  
_Let my name be ever the household word that it always was_  
_Let it be spoken without effort_  
_Without the ghost of a shadow in it_  
_Life means all that it ever was_  
_There is absolute unbroken continuity_  
_What is death but a negligible accident?_  
_Why should I be out of mind_  
_Because I am out of sight?_  
_I am waiting for you for an interval_  
_Somewhere very near_  
_Just around the corner_  
_All is well._  
_Nothing is past; nothing is lost_  
_One brief moment and all will be as it was before_  
_How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!"_

It's raining on the day of the funeral. Fuji is the one who reads the poem and his eyes are sad and serious. The clasp on your hand never loosens.

Everybody wants to talk to you, but you can't figure out the words. _I haven't cried yet. You never made me breakfast that morning and I don't remember what you smell like right now and you never hugged me, but I don't care because that wasn't the kind of relationship we had. I loved you and you left, you loved us and you're gone._

Eventually they all leave and only you and Yukimura are left.

You shake your head. "What do we do now?"

He shifts the umbrella. But his eyes never leave the grave. "I guess we keep going."

* * *

But how?

* * *

The truth is, the world doesn't stop. It keeps going. And you have to learn how to start going again with it.

You and Yukimura read each other poetry and play Non Believer every Sunday and make out till dawn. Because you don't know if that is what Ryoma would want, but it's what he did. And he chose to do it with you.

Yukimura treats you like your glass and you treat him like a diamond. Sometimes you take out Ryoma's clothes and wear them around the house. Maybe no one will ever understand. And that's fine. You don't forget.

"I never told him I love him." You confess one night.

Eyelashes flutter against your chest. "But he knew."

* * *

_The End._


End file.
